Wanted: Funny Bone Wrangler
#1
For some strange reason – perhaps it’s my super hot ass or upbeat personality – I’ve been asked out/hit on more than normal this last month, and ‘normal’ usually equals ‘none.’ This is only interesting to me because 1) I’ve been feeling like shit on a stick (read: not feeling all that approachable or pretty) so I assume they all live in the same sensory deprivation tank, and 2) the Esq has this intense, specific-to-me-and-other-dudes face that I find adorable – something like the fiery-tailed Scorpio in him boiling to the surface, only to be replaced with a stoic mask of raised eyebrows and a drawn out ‘Reeeeeeeallyyy.’ It’s imperceptible to others, but he can’t fool me; his eyes change color in a flash to dark gray when he’s jealous or bothered by human emotions. I unabashedly love me a possessive wizard.
Dialogue for Dessert
I took a dialogue class at Hugo House with Keri Healey, a wonderful writer and playwright, and here was my favorite writing prompt:
Character A wants to tell Character B that he/she is having an affair, but Character B already knows and wants to avoid the pain of being told.
Okay, I’ve lived through this scenario. 1) Character A is a whore. 2) Character B is a nancy. Just so we’re clear. Character A probably thought that cheating was the easy way out (been there!); Character B doesn’t want to start over because he wasn’t a good catch to begin with (done that!). Both of these people are assholes, though on very different levels. A is most likely an attention-loving nincompoop with a knack for flirting and fruity drinks – or worse, a narcissistic control freak who’s entitled to everything. B is probably a sensitive ponytail guy, or some kind of robot workaholic. Point being, she cheats for A Reason or A Fuck-ton of Reasons, and he’s too pansy-assed to deal. Go.
A: I’m having an affair.
B: An eclair?
A: I know you heard me.
B: Huh. Well I’m having an eclair.
A: This isn’t funny. You think everything is a joke.
B: And you think nothing is sacred. Exhibit A: you’re having an eclair. Do you know how many calories you’re consuming?
A: There are no eclairs.
B: So I need to go get some, is what you’re saying?
A: Can you take nothing seriously?
B: I take eclair-eating whores somewhat seriously.
A: What did you just say to me?
B: I said “Fred Astaire-heated floors.”
A: Oh my God, I hate you.
B: I’m sorry.
A: Why are you apologizing?
B: I must have done something; maybe I didn’t give you enough love or dessert.
A: I’m moving out.
B: What? But we’re having breakfast.
A: No, you’re having breakfast. I’m moving out.
B: Pick up some eclairs on your way home from work.
I generally like any dialogue that employs denial and deliciousness, all rolled into one.
The Perfect Storm
Is there someone out there for whom everything is going right? If so, raise your hand – someone will be along to take back that which is rightfully mine, and slay you in single-handed combat.
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Convo: Shakespearean Love
Snotty: I love thee.
Esq: I love thee!
Snotty: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Esq: Sure.
Snotty: June 22nd.
Esq: Excellent.
Fade to Black
I’m not a huge fan of the genre, but Jay-Z knows how to write.
“This is the life I chose or rather the life that chose me.”
The Human Experience
Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support. [Civil] marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, [civil] marriage is an esteemed institution and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition. It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that marriage has long been termed a ‘civil right.’ Without the right to choose to marry, one is excluded from the full range of human experience.
-2003 Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage
And that’s that.
The Voice of This Generation, Of This Decade, Of Amie’s Party
Resurrected the old Kanye costume for Halloween.
Thought bubble: “Halloween, Ima let you finish, but Christmas is the best holiday of all time.”
